Helping the Bereaved - The Dos and Don'ts

Are you at a loss of what to say and what to do and not do when dealing with someone grieving? You’re not alone. The founders of the Loss of Loved One to Sudden Tragedy (LLOST) Foundation, painfully experienced what helped and what didn’t in the grieving process. This knowledge is what gave birth to the LLOST Foundation. We felt we could help others, not only those grieving, but those dealing with grieving people. We don’t claim to have all the answers, but our goal is to share with you what we have learned.

DO...

Use the deceased person’s name
Read and become more aware of the grief process
Understand that there is no timeline for grief
Be a good listener
Offer silent support as needed
Behave naturally
Remember and acknowledge the important dates that are most painful
Bring food to the house to help feed out-of-town guests without asking
Continue to bring food off and on for several weeks without asking
Extend invitations to them, understanding they might change their minds at the last minute
Continue to call and understand that they don’t always return calls right away
Remember that you can’t take away their pain, but you can let them know they are not alone
Treat all members of the family equally – they are all hurting
Be available to help with children, run errands, make phone calls, etc.
Accept and be sensitive to their changing moods
Allow them to talk about the loss as much and as often as they need to
Donate to a charity that would be meaningful to the family
Be patient and show genuine concern and caring
Talk openly about the person who died and freely share memories
Cry if you feel like crying
Share good news with them – they can still be happy for others
MOST IMPORTANT: If you really want to help, just help – they won’t ask, but they will graciously accept any help and be extremely appreciative of it

DO SAY...

“I can’t imagine how you are feeling.”
“How are you REALLY doing?” and listen to the answer

DON’T...

Compare your loss with theirs
Wait for them to contact you for help, just help
Tell them what they should do
Be afraid to talk about the person who died and share memories
Think that the age of the deceased determines the importance or the impact
Be afraid to touch – sometimes it’s better than words
Change the subject when they want to talk about the deceased
Pry into personal matters
Ask questions about the circumstances of the death
Offer advice and offer quick solutions
Minimize the loss
Offer help, just help
Tell them that drugs or alcohol will make it better
Expect them to be strong and don’t complement them on their strength
Assume when they laugh that they are “over it” or are grieving any less
Ask how they are doing if you aren’t willing to listen to the answer
MOST IMPORTANT – Don’t avoid the person grieving because you’re uncomfortable or don’t know what to say – that is very hurtful

DON’T SAY...

“I know how you feel”
“They are better off now”
“They are no longer in pain”
“It was for the best”
“It could have been worse”
“It’s really a blessing in disguise”
“Be brave for your family”
“Don’t cry”
“This isn’t the end of the world”
“You’re doing so well”
“You’ll get over it”
“It’s not that bad”
“You’ll be okay”
“Things will be back to normal soon”
“Your loved one wouldn’t want you to be sad”
“The first year is always the hardest”
“It was God’s Will”
“Aren’t you over it yet”
“Be happy that you had them in your life for so long”
“You will have other children”
“It was meant to be”
“Be grateful you have other children”
“Time will heal everything”
“At least they had a long life”

"As a mother that has a lost a child, the last thing I want to hear is that God has a reason and that my child is in a better place; even if this is the case, and I do believe it is, I would rather my child still be here is me. The part that hurts is that she is not here with me. I would rather they just remember her with me and call her by her name."~Vicky

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